Bear performs at Skidmore

Gearing Up for Clearly Marked

Yesterday was Thursday, meaning "one of those days where I don't get to eat from 9-2." I brought a granola bar with me, but I ended up eating it at 10:30 am, so a lot of good that did me.

Then I had to print and copy programs for the show that night, and mail a package, so it was another hour before I got to eat. And first I had to say hello to Hope and Bear, 'cause they were both in the Spa. I got a sandwich and sat with Bear and Justin, who was the "stage manager" for the show. Bear gave me a hug, which surprised me; I was expecting a handshake. I was really out of it and into my sandwich. Bear threatened to inform my mother that I'm not eating. I also learned about Bear's wife's "swiffing, not swiffer-ing" letter-writing campaign. After that I ran around some more -- met with Kate, took a shower -- and headed to Davis so we could go out to dinner. Except we ended up ordering in. It was cool, much more relaxed; we students sat on the floor. We talked about ulpan, other intensive language programs (in Costa Rica), road trips, and Bear's advice for college students ("you can never make up dental hygiene or a study abroad experience").

After dinner, as we discussed logistics for the show, Bear said to me, "Oh, you've seen this before, so you know how it goes," and I had to admit the whole story about how I actually hadn't seen it before because I was trying to be at Heather's poetry reading at the same time. That would've been okay, except I also said I'd wanted to see Bear perform for years prior to that, as pathetic as that is. And ze said, "That's not pathetic." So I immediately regretted saying it was pathetic. What a dumbass thing to say. Who says that?! (Etc.)

Uhhh so then we hung out in the hallway until people showed up. Phred and I bonded over the Warsaw/ghetto joke. Then the crowds began to arrive. We had to get people to fill out labels, but I didn't know there were signs about What to Do inside the marker packaging. So I just told people, and not everyone heard; it was a mess. And I was stressing out because Prez Alex and Phred seemed way too relaxed. After we opened the doors, I yelled at them, "Okay, go usher! You're ushers, right? So, usher!"

Ahh.

I was gonna sit in the back, 'til Bear told me, "Come sit up front. Keep me company." So I did. I didn't really participate, though. The girl chosen to dance was someone I vaguely know from my Art History class. And when Bear got wrapped in the "lesbian" caution tape, Alex pulled it off -- though both of us were leaning forward and kind of waiting for the other one to do it. Overall, the show was really great -- very funny, and very moving. I'm glad I sat up front in the end. Even if I didn't participate, it was a lot more immediate.

Gender-free Restrooms

At the intermission right after the show, I went into the former men's restroom, which (at Bear's suggestion) we had de-gendered for the evening. It hadn't even occurred to me to de-gender the restrooms (dur) but we did it. When I walked in some random man was walking out, and I felt as nervous as I do when I normally walk into multi-person men's restrooms. But then, normally, I wouldn't attempt to use a men's restroom at Skidmore. Normally when I'm bleeding, I wouldn't attempt it anywhere. It's amazing what a difference agreement plus a sign on the door makes.

Ez and Amanda came in as I was going to wash my hands. They sort of laughed when they saw me. As I left the restroom, Amanda was saying, "I know I'm PMSing, beause I almost cried at the end [of the show]."

I had to go back in and tell her, "Ya know what? I almost cried when I was putting up the gender-neutral bathroom signs. How's that for PMSing!" (Even though maybe it's not technically PMS. Whatever.)

Story Telling Answers

We went back in for the Q&A. A lot of people stayed! So that was kind of exciting. Elizabeth asked a couple questions about being polyamorous and married. I asked Bear, "Have you ever had trouble with a shul, like with them not being -- cool -- about queers . . . or something?"

And the answer was basically, no. Which I find astonishing/unbelievable, possibly because (until college) all of my religious community experiences have been from a more conservative side of the Jewish-observance spectrum. But Conservative, not even Orthodox. So my reaction was basically: wtf.

Ze said something like, "Shul is the one place where I go without thinking about making a difference, but that's starting to change. Making Jewish communities more queer and trans friendly is a new area for me."

Right, okay, but it is not about "making a difference," it is about taking it personally when your community goes around saying PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WRONG AND/OR YOU DO NOT EXIST. LALALALA I CAN'T SEE YOU . . . I'm sorry if I take that personally. Except not.

My label for the night was "JEW" because of my recent re-realization that people aren't too keen on my having that label. So I'm gonna hold onto it, thanks.

Also at some point during Q&A, Hope knocked my hat on the ground. Phred stole it. I did some violence to Phred's leg and he gave it back. Bear gave Hope a detention because ze thought it was Hope being disruptive, and she continued being disruptive in a cute way.

Personal Gender Tangent

Then this girl asked Bear, "When did you start thinking about gender?" and Bear told the story of how ze met Kate Bornstein on the Internet, which was an awesome story to hear. Bear also told us the story of the first GSA, and how they came up with the name and everything to properly represent "three queer kids and a bunch of concerned girl-children of hippy parents, and their boyfriends, whether they liked it or not." Cute. That's kind of how my high school GSA was, for the first three years. I asked about Bear's current writing projects. Apparently Butch Is a Noun comes out this fall. I forget the name of the theater piece ze's working on. I hung around after Q&A to get another hug from Bear and express a hope that ze makes it to NUJLS this year. But first we talked some more with Phred and President Alex, made fun of P. Alex's "table," and discussed who belonged to which coat. Someone asked me if I had a coat, and Bear said, "Of course Florida Boy over here has a coat!"

Which made me smile and also made me feel intensely self-conscious, wondering what Phred and Alex thought about that, simultaneously feeling glad that they should hear someone else call me a boy, then wondering if there were implications or assumptions about this on Bear's part, like did Bear think I was actually A Boy? Or was this more of how Bear calls hirself a guy, but it doesn't mean what you'd think. I'm assuming it's that last thing, so I've stopped thinking about it. BUT. It is ridiculous how I react to these things. Today, for example, my mom called Dean Hastings because Tower is closing before senior week and we all have to move out. And Dean Hastings is telling me mom, "Oh, I know REN! REN knows she can come talk to me whenever she wants! La la la!" Not that my mom actually asked me, "So, what's up with this 'ren' thing?" 'cause that's just not her style, plus she knows I have different names. But still. I thought I was gonna have an anxiety attack in the middle of Case, like my mom was gonna start interrogating me about what I am doing to the name she gave me. Sheeesh. And nothing happened! Life goes on!

After Bear left, I went over to the SAGA house and hung out with my friends there.

Tonight I ate dinner with Simon (yay) and a friend of his whose name I didn't quite catch. Apparently their other, mutual friend is the one who had the "anti-label" at the show last night: not just a blank label, but actually the sticker portion from around the actual label. It was the only really original label idea there.

Simon told me, "Y'know -- I could see -- I mean, not that Bear is you in ten years -- but -- y'know."

"Yeah, Bear is definitely a hero of mine."

"Yeah, I can see why."

Much later, Simon asked me, "Did you know the prayer she said?" We'd been discussing Angels in America, and I thought he was talking about that, but he said, "No, no, in the show last night." He was talking about Bear. Weird. I wonder if that's because I am a "she" to him, so Bear must be, too? Or -- what.